Wednesday, September 5, 2012
To understand
To understand my mind i guess you need to understand what i see
to remember what i do.
To understand me even when i don't make any sense at all
Because there hasn't been much sense to my life
And i doubt there ever will be...
“Yes I’m afraid!” She screamed, running to the other side of the room.
“Afraid of what?”
“You!” She through the large wooden jewlery box against her reflection, shattering herself into thousands of pieces. she fell to her knees in the glass, cleaning up the evidence of her lost sanity.
“You break everything” The pieces screamed at her.
“Only what needs to be broken.” not bothering about cutting herself each piece was tossed away, and with it a mocking remark from every slither.
yelling
Internally i cover my ears.
My eye lids work to keep me sane.
my fist clench’s
Everything is stiff
except the beating in my chest that cracks at words.
Waiting still
I miss you, i wish you would find me, I hope you think of me, you see- i don’t blame you for never meeting you, i know it’s not your fault. It’s no ones fault really…
I’m okay, really. i know you worry and with good reason, but i’ve been hanging on, always. I have sisters! you’d be proud of all of them, their beautiful and nothing like me at all…
I miss those days we never had. You teaching me how to fight, me loosing in tickle fights, our trips to get bagels and hot chocolate, taking me to dinner for my first date, playing board games with me, all that stuff i guess…Is it possible to miss something you never had?
I miss being excited to see you when you got home, wanting to tell you all about my day, i miss knowing how much you loved me and that never changing.
I’m scared every day now, i can’t.
Please find me one day.
I’ve been waiting 18 years.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Sigh
This morning really is beautiful.
I have my coffee and a good book, recovering from a rather...frightening dream 0.o
Dinkus (our cat....kind of) is still missing =/ please keep him in your prayers if you are reading this ;)
Sketch is finished and turned in! exciting! and Arel is working on starting his production company.
I have my coffee and a good book, recovering from a rather...frightening dream 0.o
Dinkus (our cat....kind of) is still missing =/ please keep him in your prayers if you are reading this ;)
Sketch is finished and turned in! exciting! and Arel is working on starting his production company.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Exsistence
“I’m sorry, today is just very crazy, would you mind going home?” the mother had asked me as the kids ran around the room. I had wondered if my father had been speaking to her, if they had been hoping that her son and I would spend less time together.
I respected her, and would obey her wishes. I had just driven 5 hours to be there and looked at my watch, I had just gotten. It had a button that would switch the time zone, so I could always see what time it was for him in Philly… 12:12. I could make it back before it even starts getting dark.
I walked into the next room and hugged him. It was always hard letting go but I managed to tear my self away “I’ll see you soon” he nodded in agreement, his face lightening the mood with a famous smile that consumed his face. Our hands broke apart and the door shut behind me.
I had this weird feeling about leaving “just a few more…minutes” my mind told me “stay, you have time.” I didn’t want to disobey the wishes of his parents so I left. I got into my car and began to drive, trying to keep my eyes from tearing up “you will see him again” I told myself.
It was snowing so all the roads had been fairly empty; there was very little traffic. As I drove onto the highway, I noticed there was no traffic in the oncoming lane as well; in fact there were no cars at all. Along with a very small amount of cars that drove along side me, things began increasing as we went over the bridge, out of Philly and into Baltimore.
I pulled over at a motel my sister had been staying at. She was visiting some friends and I had planned to pick her up the next day but came a bit early. She hugged me and dragged me inside. We sat down in the dim room and talked for maybe 6 minutes before I wondered if the time had changed. I didn’t know there was a time change between Baltimore and Philly…. but it felt like there was. I looked down and pushed the small time lapse button on my watch.
Philly time appeared within seconds. Snow had covered the inside of my watch to show the season and the arrow had stopped at 1:00. All the other hours had jumped off. 12 stood. But all the other times were missing 2, 3, 4, est. they were all gone. My chest tightened. I didn’t know how I knew but my mind figured it out before I could make sense of the senseless. For some reason Philly was gone. Destroyed. Time had stopped there and it would never reach 2.
Since we were driving back in time I looked down at my watch and switched it back to the time I was in 12:45. I grabbed my sister’s arm and told her to start typing in our address into the GPS. If we drove fast we would be losing time. I should have stayed. I should have stayed just a little while longer, to had been in the same place, but now I wasn’t with him anymore. I had my sister who was someone I had to keep safe. My mind was heavy and the tears blurred my vision made it difficult to focus on what was next. I wanted so badly to wait for the clock to strike 1 in Baltimore. I felt assured that if she weren’t with me, I would have. We began running out to our car when a man stopped us. He was wearing a black coat and held a knife. “You can’t leave”
“I want to go back” the truth of my thoughts had escaped my throat, even though I was planning to move forward, I wanted oh so baldy to go back. He glared at me as I pulled my sister behind me protectively. “There is no back. You can’t travel back in time. You can only move forward” His eyes seemed to pop from his face as he spoke, emphasizing certain words and waving the knife around.
“Then let us go that direction,” I said pointing to be we was gesturing.
“No” he blanketed the statement, as he swung his knife, it slashed across my right arm.
“That was a step forward! No more steps!”
I knew his intentions and so did my sister as she dodged around me and headed for the car, he turned to her confuse. For another moment time had moved forward in a current of events. I didn’t let the opportunity pass as I lunged on our distracted attacker.
“You want time to stop?“
I asked, lodging his own knife into his chest “done”
Chills ran up my spine as I stumbled backwards “We have to go” my sister uttered. I knew this. I got up and walked into the car. My vision grew even foggier with every mile. Finally, we reached the bridge. It towered over about a mile of water and would bring us so close to home. But half way across it was blocked off. A giant van of people refused to let anyone go by. We had to get off and move. I was careful to stay away from the edge of the bridge. We would die the moment we hit the water, it would be like falling on concrete. I walked up to the people on the bridge. “Let us pass, please”
“Let me see your hand” the man asked. I stretched out my arm and revealed my hand. It was still bleeding from the earlier attack. “You don’t exist. Jump off the bridge.”
“Excuse me?” I said. “Listen, we just came from Philly and we were attacked in Baltimore-“
“You came from where?” he interrupted
“Philadelphia” I said as his eyes showed no recognition. “There is no such place” he shook it off and began ignoring me.
My head was spinning as I grabbed his arm “Please!” I pleaded, “I just left my boyfriend and his family there”
He looked down at me, showing no pity “they don’t exist, now do what’s best for all of us” he directed me to the edge of the bridge, I saw my sister as well be brought aside me. I looked down at the choppy water, the waves seemed so small from this height. The wind thrashed my hair in different directions. I wish I could fly. “There’s no time like the present,” I whispered to myself. No. I wouldn’t, not like this.
“Go on now, your wasting what little time I have”
“No”
“Its time for you to go. He doesn’t exist…so what’s the point?”
“If he doesn’t exist and I don’t exist then…exactly, what is the point?”
“Enough” he said picking me up and throwing me over the edge.
“Hello?” my tired voice creaked from my newly awakened throat.
“Hey beautiful” the other end of my phone rang. What perfect timing I thought in the whiplash of waking up from the nightmare
“Were you still asleep?” he asked
“Yea…I must have slept in really late,” I thought looking around for a clock
“No, its only 9:30, still in the single digits! You still got time!” he said in a joyful voice.
“Yea…. I do”
How about that…I thought
It felt like id been gone for days, funny how dreams have a way of…losing you in time.
I respected her, and would obey her wishes. I had just driven 5 hours to be there and looked at my watch, I had just gotten. It had a button that would switch the time zone, so I could always see what time it was for him in Philly… 12:12. I could make it back before it even starts getting dark.
I walked into the next room and hugged him. It was always hard letting go but I managed to tear my self away “I’ll see you soon” he nodded in agreement, his face lightening the mood with a famous smile that consumed his face. Our hands broke apart and the door shut behind me.
I had this weird feeling about leaving “just a few more…minutes” my mind told me “stay, you have time.” I didn’t want to disobey the wishes of his parents so I left. I got into my car and began to drive, trying to keep my eyes from tearing up “you will see him again” I told myself.
It was snowing so all the roads had been fairly empty; there was very little traffic. As I drove onto the highway, I noticed there was no traffic in the oncoming lane as well; in fact there were no cars at all. Along with a very small amount of cars that drove along side me, things began increasing as we went over the bridge, out of Philly and into Baltimore.
I pulled over at a motel my sister had been staying at. She was visiting some friends and I had planned to pick her up the next day but came a bit early. She hugged me and dragged me inside. We sat down in the dim room and talked for maybe 6 minutes before I wondered if the time had changed. I didn’t know there was a time change between Baltimore and Philly…. but it felt like there was. I looked down and pushed the small time lapse button on my watch.
Philly time appeared within seconds. Snow had covered the inside of my watch to show the season and the arrow had stopped at 1:00. All the other hours had jumped off. 12 stood. But all the other times were missing 2, 3, 4, est. they were all gone. My chest tightened. I didn’t know how I knew but my mind figured it out before I could make sense of the senseless. For some reason Philly was gone. Destroyed. Time had stopped there and it would never reach 2.
Since we were driving back in time I looked down at my watch and switched it back to the time I was in 12:45. I grabbed my sister’s arm and told her to start typing in our address into the GPS. If we drove fast we would be losing time. I should have stayed. I should have stayed just a little while longer, to had been in the same place, but now I wasn’t with him anymore. I had my sister who was someone I had to keep safe. My mind was heavy and the tears blurred my vision made it difficult to focus on what was next. I wanted so badly to wait for the clock to strike 1 in Baltimore. I felt assured that if she weren’t with me, I would have. We began running out to our car when a man stopped us. He was wearing a black coat and held a knife. “You can’t leave”
“I want to go back” the truth of my thoughts had escaped my throat, even though I was planning to move forward, I wanted oh so baldy to go back. He glared at me as I pulled my sister behind me protectively. “There is no back. You can’t travel back in time. You can only move forward” His eyes seemed to pop from his face as he spoke, emphasizing certain words and waving the knife around.
“Then let us go that direction,” I said pointing to be we was gesturing.
“No” he blanketed the statement, as he swung his knife, it slashed across my right arm.
“That was a step forward! No more steps!”
I knew his intentions and so did my sister as she dodged around me and headed for the car, he turned to her confuse. For another moment time had moved forward in a current of events. I didn’t let the opportunity pass as I lunged on our distracted attacker.
“You want time to stop?“
I asked, lodging his own knife into his chest “done”
Chills ran up my spine as I stumbled backwards “We have to go” my sister uttered. I knew this. I got up and walked into the car. My vision grew even foggier with every mile. Finally, we reached the bridge. It towered over about a mile of water and would bring us so close to home. But half way across it was blocked off. A giant van of people refused to let anyone go by. We had to get off and move. I was careful to stay away from the edge of the bridge. We would die the moment we hit the water, it would be like falling on concrete. I walked up to the people on the bridge. “Let us pass, please”
“Let me see your hand” the man asked. I stretched out my arm and revealed my hand. It was still bleeding from the earlier attack. “You don’t exist. Jump off the bridge.”
“Excuse me?” I said. “Listen, we just came from Philly and we were attacked in Baltimore-“
“You came from where?” he interrupted
“Philadelphia” I said as his eyes showed no recognition. “There is no such place” he shook it off and began ignoring me.
My head was spinning as I grabbed his arm “Please!” I pleaded, “I just left my boyfriend and his family there”
He looked down at me, showing no pity “they don’t exist, now do what’s best for all of us” he directed me to the edge of the bridge, I saw my sister as well be brought aside me. I looked down at the choppy water, the waves seemed so small from this height. The wind thrashed my hair in different directions. I wish I could fly. “There’s no time like the present,” I whispered to myself. No. I wouldn’t, not like this.
“Go on now, your wasting what little time I have”
“No”
“Its time for you to go. He doesn’t exist…so what’s the point?”
“If he doesn’t exist and I don’t exist then…exactly, what is the point?”
“Enough” he said picking me up and throwing me over the edge.
“Hello?” my tired voice creaked from my newly awakened throat.
“Hey beautiful” the other end of my phone rang. What perfect timing I thought in the whiplash of waking up from the nightmare
“Were you still asleep?” he asked
“Yea…I must have slept in really late,” I thought looking around for a clock
“No, its only 9:30, still in the single digits! You still got time!” he said in a joyful voice.
“Yea…. I do”
How about that…I thought
It felt like id been gone for days, funny how dreams have a way of…losing you in time.
Wedding
My white dress spilled over the chair as I sat in the secluded room. Lightened by the single window in the room that wouldn’t open, providing no escape, not that I would escape. I twirled the silver band that caressed my finger. What was I doing? I reached up to feel what I though would be my wet cheek, damp from tears but my dry face was free of any emotion.
A rustle of girls fell into the room wearing matching short dresses and carrying flowers, they put their arms around me and guided me from my sanctuary. The stone halls were cold on my bare feet and seemed to never end. For this I was thankful. The delicate fabric of my dress slide along the stone, reluctantly but loyally it dragged along with me. The bumbling and pushing of the girls around me put me off balance but there were so many arms surrounding me that I couldn’t fall even if I wanted to. And I wanted to. I turned to my closest sister.
“Where are we going?”
She laughed as If I was joking, but quickly swallowed her smirk and looked at me with wide eyes. I knew where we were going, but it was unclear who would be there. I knew the face in my head well but the name had slipped away with my own emotions.
“Who?” I asked as flowers were shoved into my shaking arms.
“Well…” She answered as if this was some sort of joke “His name is Michael, silly”
Michael…My mind had refused to tell me how I had ended up sitting in that room, looking at the world through a veil. It had some how worked it out that this is what I had to do.
We reached the end at last and my father greeted, obviously proud of this decision. There was no embrace, maybe there was but I didn’t remember. Slowly the girls disappeared, one at a time and then my father’s arm were linked in mine. My frozen feet were torn from their ground as I walked down an unfortunately short isle.
I saw the image of Michael through my frosted eyes; he stood tall at the end, and his blonde hair the only feature I could make out. I thought his hair was black? He was suddenly taking my hand and words were mumbled from every direction. His hands were as cold as the stone I had glided down, I looked up, hoping to get an expression but I couldn’t see well enough through the foggy veil. Michael must have noticed because he lifted the veil over my eyes and I could see. His face lit up with a smile. But something struck me as wrong.
“If there is anyone that has a reason why this couple should not wed, speak now or-“
“I do” the words escaped my lips before I could fight them back.
“Its not time for that part yet” the priest whispered at me, Michael lifted an eyebrow.
“No, I mean… I do have a reason. Well I don’t…but I don’t have a reason why we should either.” The words had come to my rescue but the priest didn’t look satisfied with this answer. I assumed there was a disapproving crowed in front of me, friends and family coming to watch me seal my fate. But, I didn’t look. I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to look down to my father to see his hurt look. He had obviously approved the match.
The priest looked confused as to what to do next. Michael had not released my hands I looked up and his expression matched the priests. I didn’t want to hurt him but I couldn’t see how it would matter much, did I even know him? Yes. I did. I didn’t remember how I ended up with him. How I ended up here. How long have we been dating? What happened? I was irritated with myself, angry for the loss of memory.
A feather sat in his tux pocket, giving me a small amount of comfort. He caressed my hand, trying to calm me without words. I looked back down to my ring. I had agreed to this.
“Forgive me Michael” I stood on my toes and kissed his cheek then made my escape. I rain through the isle that seemed a lot longer then before and the doors opened. The scene disappeared into mist. I was soaking wet in the rain. But every drop was welcomed.
“Why?” I heard Micheael's voice behind me. Guilt hit me hard but I still had no memories of our relationship.
“Because I don’t love you”
If he was crying I wouldn’t be able to tell. The rain had picked up and was falling hard. He looked angry though. I had a sudden vision of familiarity; I was more comfortable with this. I welcomed the fear. He pulled out a weapon from his coat and I smiled.
“I loved you” He spat
“No you didn’t,” I said without any pang of emotion though he looked confused. I was glad to see he was handling it like a child, like someone I was glad I didn’t marry.
“Why?” he shouted
“Because.” I threw my flowers to the ground and gently felt his hand for the knife. “This is a dream”
I don’t remember the usual fight to the death, or running.
“That’s cliché,” I said taking the blade and throwing it into the void. Thinking of all the TV shows of the broken-hearted murdering the clumsy person that held there hearts so carelessly.
I decided since it was my dream I could make anything happen, but that was not the case, harder I tried to change things about the dream the closer I came to waking up. I continued to try to change things until my eyes fluttered open with the dream perfectly clear in my head for a change. I fell back asleep only to be met with an unfamiliar frustrating dream. Only I was unaware of the case…
A rustle of girls fell into the room wearing matching short dresses and carrying flowers, they put their arms around me and guided me from my sanctuary. The stone halls were cold on my bare feet and seemed to never end. For this I was thankful. The delicate fabric of my dress slide along the stone, reluctantly but loyally it dragged along with me. The bumbling and pushing of the girls around me put me off balance but there were so many arms surrounding me that I couldn’t fall even if I wanted to. And I wanted to. I turned to my closest sister.
“Where are we going?”
She laughed as If I was joking, but quickly swallowed her smirk and looked at me with wide eyes. I knew where we were going, but it was unclear who would be there. I knew the face in my head well but the name had slipped away with my own emotions.
“Who?” I asked as flowers were shoved into my shaking arms.
“Well…” She answered as if this was some sort of joke “His name is Michael, silly”
Michael…My mind had refused to tell me how I had ended up sitting in that room, looking at the world through a veil. It had some how worked it out that this is what I had to do.
We reached the end at last and my father greeted, obviously proud of this decision. There was no embrace, maybe there was but I didn’t remember. Slowly the girls disappeared, one at a time and then my father’s arm were linked in mine. My frozen feet were torn from their ground as I walked down an unfortunately short isle.
I saw the image of Michael through my frosted eyes; he stood tall at the end, and his blonde hair the only feature I could make out. I thought his hair was black? He was suddenly taking my hand and words were mumbled from every direction. His hands were as cold as the stone I had glided down, I looked up, hoping to get an expression but I couldn’t see well enough through the foggy veil. Michael must have noticed because he lifted the veil over my eyes and I could see. His face lit up with a smile. But something struck me as wrong.
“If there is anyone that has a reason why this couple should not wed, speak now or-“
“I do” the words escaped my lips before I could fight them back.
“Its not time for that part yet” the priest whispered at me, Michael lifted an eyebrow.
“No, I mean… I do have a reason. Well I don’t…but I don’t have a reason why we should either.” The words had come to my rescue but the priest didn’t look satisfied with this answer. I assumed there was a disapproving crowed in front of me, friends and family coming to watch me seal my fate. But, I didn’t look. I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to look down to my father to see his hurt look. He had obviously approved the match.
The priest looked confused as to what to do next. Michael had not released my hands I looked up and his expression matched the priests. I didn’t want to hurt him but I couldn’t see how it would matter much, did I even know him? Yes. I did. I didn’t remember how I ended up with him. How I ended up here. How long have we been dating? What happened? I was irritated with myself, angry for the loss of memory.
A feather sat in his tux pocket, giving me a small amount of comfort. He caressed my hand, trying to calm me without words. I looked back down to my ring. I had agreed to this.
“Forgive me Michael” I stood on my toes and kissed his cheek then made my escape. I rain through the isle that seemed a lot longer then before and the doors opened. The scene disappeared into mist. I was soaking wet in the rain. But every drop was welcomed.
“Why?” I heard Micheael's voice behind me. Guilt hit me hard but I still had no memories of our relationship.
“Because I don’t love you”
If he was crying I wouldn’t be able to tell. The rain had picked up and was falling hard. He looked angry though. I had a sudden vision of familiarity; I was more comfortable with this. I welcomed the fear. He pulled out a weapon from his coat and I smiled.
“I loved you” He spat
“No you didn’t,” I said without any pang of emotion though he looked confused. I was glad to see he was handling it like a child, like someone I was glad I didn’t marry.
“Why?” he shouted
“Because.” I threw my flowers to the ground and gently felt his hand for the knife. “This is a dream”
I don’t remember the usual fight to the death, or running.
“That’s cliché,” I said taking the blade and throwing it into the void. Thinking of all the TV shows of the broken-hearted murdering the clumsy person that held there hearts so carelessly.
I decided since it was my dream I could make anything happen, but that was not the case, harder I tried to change things about the dream the closer I came to waking up. I continued to try to change things until my eyes fluttered open with the dream perfectly clear in my head for a change. I fell back asleep only to be met with an unfamiliar frustrating dream. Only I was unaware of the case…
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