Wednesday, September 5, 2012
To understand
To understand my mind i guess you need to understand what i see
to remember what i do.
To understand me even when i don't make any sense at all
Because there hasn't been much sense to my life
And i doubt there ever will be...
“Yes I’m afraid!” She screamed, running to the other side of the room.
“Afraid of what?”
“You!” She through the large wooden jewlery box against her reflection, shattering herself into thousands of pieces. she fell to her knees in the glass, cleaning up the evidence of her lost sanity.
“You break everything” The pieces screamed at her.
“Only what needs to be broken.” not bothering about cutting herself each piece was tossed away, and with it a mocking remark from every slither.
yelling
Internally i cover my ears.
My eye lids work to keep me sane.
my fist clench’s
Everything is stiff
except the beating in my chest that cracks at words.
Waiting still
I miss you, i wish you would find me, I hope you think of me, you see- i don’t blame you for never meeting you, i know it’s not your fault. It’s no ones fault really…
I’m okay, really. i know you worry and with good reason, but i’ve been hanging on, always. I have sisters! you’d be proud of all of them, their beautiful and nothing like me at all…
I miss those days we never had. You teaching me how to fight, me loosing in tickle fights, our trips to get bagels and hot chocolate, taking me to dinner for my first date, playing board games with me, all that stuff i guess…Is it possible to miss something you never had?
I miss being excited to see you when you got home, wanting to tell you all about my day, i miss knowing how much you loved me and that never changing.
I’m scared every day now, i can’t.
Please find me one day.
I’ve been waiting 18 years.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Sigh
This morning really is beautiful.
I have my coffee and a good book, recovering from a rather...frightening dream 0.o
Dinkus (our cat....kind of) is still missing =/ please keep him in your prayers if you are reading this ;)
Sketch is finished and turned in! exciting! and Arel is working on starting his production company.
I have my coffee and a good book, recovering from a rather...frightening dream 0.o
Dinkus (our cat....kind of) is still missing =/ please keep him in your prayers if you are reading this ;)
Sketch is finished and turned in! exciting! and Arel is working on starting his production company.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Exsistence
“I’m sorry, today is just very crazy, would you mind going home?” the mother had asked me as the kids ran around the room. I had wondered if my father had been speaking to her, if they had been hoping that her son and I would spend less time together.
I respected her, and would obey her wishes. I had just driven 5 hours to be there and looked at my watch, I had just gotten. It had a button that would switch the time zone, so I could always see what time it was for him in Philly… 12:12. I could make it back before it even starts getting dark.
I walked into the next room and hugged him. It was always hard letting go but I managed to tear my self away “I’ll see you soon” he nodded in agreement, his face lightening the mood with a famous smile that consumed his face. Our hands broke apart and the door shut behind me.
I had this weird feeling about leaving “just a few more…minutes” my mind told me “stay, you have time.” I didn’t want to disobey the wishes of his parents so I left. I got into my car and began to drive, trying to keep my eyes from tearing up “you will see him again” I told myself.
It was snowing so all the roads had been fairly empty; there was very little traffic. As I drove onto the highway, I noticed there was no traffic in the oncoming lane as well; in fact there were no cars at all. Along with a very small amount of cars that drove along side me, things began increasing as we went over the bridge, out of Philly and into Baltimore.
I pulled over at a motel my sister had been staying at. She was visiting some friends and I had planned to pick her up the next day but came a bit early. She hugged me and dragged me inside. We sat down in the dim room and talked for maybe 6 minutes before I wondered if the time had changed. I didn’t know there was a time change between Baltimore and Philly…. but it felt like there was. I looked down and pushed the small time lapse button on my watch.
Philly time appeared within seconds. Snow had covered the inside of my watch to show the season and the arrow had stopped at 1:00. All the other hours had jumped off. 12 stood. But all the other times were missing 2, 3, 4, est. they were all gone. My chest tightened. I didn’t know how I knew but my mind figured it out before I could make sense of the senseless. For some reason Philly was gone. Destroyed. Time had stopped there and it would never reach 2.
Since we were driving back in time I looked down at my watch and switched it back to the time I was in 12:45. I grabbed my sister’s arm and told her to start typing in our address into the GPS. If we drove fast we would be losing time. I should have stayed. I should have stayed just a little while longer, to had been in the same place, but now I wasn’t with him anymore. I had my sister who was someone I had to keep safe. My mind was heavy and the tears blurred my vision made it difficult to focus on what was next. I wanted so badly to wait for the clock to strike 1 in Baltimore. I felt assured that if she weren’t with me, I would have. We began running out to our car when a man stopped us. He was wearing a black coat and held a knife. “You can’t leave”
“I want to go back” the truth of my thoughts had escaped my throat, even though I was planning to move forward, I wanted oh so baldy to go back. He glared at me as I pulled my sister behind me protectively. “There is no back. You can’t travel back in time. You can only move forward” His eyes seemed to pop from his face as he spoke, emphasizing certain words and waving the knife around.
“Then let us go that direction,” I said pointing to be we was gesturing.
“No” he blanketed the statement, as he swung his knife, it slashed across my right arm.
“That was a step forward! No more steps!”
I knew his intentions and so did my sister as she dodged around me and headed for the car, he turned to her confuse. For another moment time had moved forward in a current of events. I didn’t let the opportunity pass as I lunged on our distracted attacker.
“You want time to stop?“
I asked, lodging his own knife into his chest “done”
Chills ran up my spine as I stumbled backwards “We have to go” my sister uttered. I knew this. I got up and walked into the car. My vision grew even foggier with every mile. Finally, we reached the bridge. It towered over about a mile of water and would bring us so close to home. But half way across it was blocked off. A giant van of people refused to let anyone go by. We had to get off and move. I was careful to stay away from the edge of the bridge. We would die the moment we hit the water, it would be like falling on concrete. I walked up to the people on the bridge. “Let us pass, please”
“Let me see your hand” the man asked. I stretched out my arm and revealed my hand. It was still bleeding from the earlier attack. “You don’t exist. Jump off the bridge.”
“Excuse me?” I said. “Listen, we just came from Philly and we were attacked in Baltimore-“
“You came from where?” he interrupted
“Philadelphia” I said as his eyes showed no recognition. “There is no such place” he shook it off and began ignoring me.
My head was spinning as I grabbed his arm “Please!” I pleaded, “I just left my boyfriend and his family there”
He looked down at me, showing no pity “they don’t exist, now do what’s best for all of us” he directed me to the edge of the bridge, I saw my sister as well be brought aside me. I looked down at the choppy water, the waves seemed so small from this height. The wind thrashed my hair in different directions. I wish I could fly. “There’s no time like the present,” I whispered to myself. No. I wouldn’t, not like this.
“Go on now, your wasting what little time I have”
“No”
“Its time for you to go. He doesn’t exist…so what’s the point?”
“If he doesn’t exist and I don’t exist then…exactly, what is the point?”
“Enough” he said picking me up and throwing me over the edge.
“Hello?” my tired voice creaked from my newly awakened throat.
“Hey beautiful” the other end of my phone rang. What perfect timing I thought in the whiplash of waking up from the nightmare
“Were you still asleep?” he asked
“Yea…I must have slept in really late,” I thought looking around for a clock
“No, its only 9:30, still in the single digits! You still got time!” he said in a joyful voice.
“Yea…. I do”
How about that…I thought
It felt like id been gone for days, funny how dreams have a way of…losing you in time.
I respected her, and would obey her wishes. I had just driven 5 hours to be there and looked at my watch, I had just gotten. It had a button that would switch the time zone, so I could always see what time it was for him in Philly… 12:12. I could make it back before it even starts getting dark.
I walked into the next room and hugged him. It was always hard letting go but I managed to tear my self away “I’ll see you soon” he nodded in agreement, his face lightening the mood with a famous smile that consumed his face. Our hands broke apart and the door shut behind me.
I had this weird feeling about leaving “just a few more…minutes” my mind told me “stay, you have time.” I didn’t want to disobey the wishes of his parents so I left. I got into my car and began to drive, trying to keep my eyes from tearing up “you will see him again” I told myself.
It was snowing so all the roads had been fairly empty; there was very little traffic. As I drove onto the highway, I noticed there was no traffic in the oncoming lane as well; in fact there were no cars at all. Along with a very small amount of cars that drove along side me, things began increasing as we went over the bridge, out of Philly and into Baltimore.
I pulled over at a motel my sister had been staying at. She was visiting some friends and I had planned to pick her up the next day but came a bit early. She hugged me and dragged me inside. We sat down in the dim room and talked for maybe 6 minutes before I wondered if the time had changed. I didn’t know there was a time change between Baltimore and Philly…. but it felt like there was. I looked down and pushed the small time lapse button on my watch.
Philly time appeared within seconds. Snow had covered the inside of my watch to show the season and the arrow had stopped at 1:00. All the other hours had jumped off. 12 stood. But all the other times were missing 2, 3, 4, est. they were all gone. My chest tightened. I didn’t know how I knew but my mind figured it out before I could make sense of the senseless. For some reason Philly was gone. Destroyed. Time had stopped there and it would never reach 2.
Since we were driving back in time I looked down at my watch and switched it back to the time I was in 12:45. I grabbed my sister’s arm and told her to start typing in our address into the GPS. If we drove fast we would be losing time. I should have stayed. I should have stayed just a little while longer, to had been in the same place, but now I wasn’t with him anymore. I had my sister who was someone I had to keep safe. My mind was heavy and the tears blurred my vision made it difficult to focus on what was next. I wanted so badly to wait for the clock to strike 1 in Baltimore. I felt assured that if she weren’t with me, I would have. We began running out to our car when a man stopped us. He was wearing a black coat and held a knife. “You can’t leave”
“I want to go back” the truth of my thoughts had escaped my throat, even though I was planning to move forward, I wanted oh so baldy to go back. He glared at me as I pulled my sister behind me protectively. “There is no back. You can’t travel back in time. You can only move forward” His eyes seemed to pop from his face as he spoke, emphasizing certain words and waving the knife around.
“Then let us go that direction,” I said pointing to be we was gesturing.
“No” he blanketed the statement, as he swung his knife, it slashed across my right arm.
“That was a step forward! No more steps!”
I knew his intentions and so did my sister as she dodged around me and headed for the car, he turned to her confuse. For another moment time had moved forward in a current of events. I didn’t let the opportunity pass as I lunged on our distracted attacker.
“You want time to stop?“
I asked, lodging his own knife into his chest “done”
Chills ran up my spine as I stumbled backwards “We have to go” my sister uttered. I knew this. I got up and walked into the car. My vision grew even foggier with every mile. Finally, we reached the bridge. It towered over about a mile of water and would bring us so close to home. But half way across it was blocked off. A giant van of people refused to let anyone go by. We had to get off and move. I was careful to stay away from the edge of the bridge. We would die the moment we hit the water, it would be like falling on concrete. I walked up to the people on the bridge. “Let us pass, please”
“Let me see your hand” the man asked. I stretched out my arm and revealed my hand. It was still bleeding from the earlier attack. “You don’t exist. Jump off the bridge.”
“Excuse me?” I said. “Listen, we just came from Philly and we were attacked in Baltimore-“
“You came from where?” he interrupted
“Philadelphia” I said as his eyes showed no recognition. “There is no such place” he shook it off and began ignoring me.
My head was spinning as I grabbed his arm “Please!” I pleaded, “I just left my boyfriend and his family there”
He looked down at me, showing no pity “they don’t exist, now do what’s best for all of us” he directed me to the edge of the bridge, I saw my sister as well be brought aside me. I looked down at the choppy water, the waves seemed so small from this height. The wind thrashed my hair in different directions. I wish I could fly. “There’s no time like the present,” I whispered to myself. No. I wouldn’t, not like this.
“Go on now, your wasting what little time I have”
“No”
“Its time for you to go. He doesn’t exist…so what’s the point?”
“If he doesn’t exist and I don’t exist then…exactly, what is the point?”
“Enough” he said picking me up and throwing me over the edge.
“Hello?” my tired voice creaked from my newly awakened throat.
“Hey beautiful” the other end of my phone rang. What perfect timing I thought in the whiplash of waking up from the nightmare
“Were you still asleep?” he asked
“Yea…I must have slept in really late,” I thought looking around for a clock
“No, its only 9:30, still in the single digits! You still got time!” he said in a joyful voice.
“Yea…. I do”
How about that…I thought
It felt like id been gone for days, funny how dreams have a way of…losing you in time.
Wedding
My white dress spilled over the chair as I sat in the secluded room. Lightened by the single window in the room that wouldn’t open, providing no escape, not that I would escape. I twirled the silver band that caressed my finger. What was I doing? I reached up to feel what I though would be my wet cheek, damp from tears but my dry face was free of any emotion.
A rustle of girls fell into the room wearing matching short dresses and carrying flowers, they put their arms around me and guided me from my sanctuary. The stone halls were cold on my bare feet and seemed to never end. For this I was thankful. The delicate fabric of my dress slide along the stone, reluctantly but loyally it dragged along with me. The bumbling and pushing of the girls around me put me off balance but there were so many arms surrounding me that I couldn’t fall even if I wanted to. And I wanted to. I turned to my closest sister.
“Where are we going?”
She laughed as If I was joking, but quickly swallowed her smirk and looked at me with wide eyes. I knew where we were going, but it was unclear who would be there. I knew the face in my head well but the name had slipped away with my own emotions.
“Who?” I asked as flowers were shoved into my shaking arms.
“Well…” She answered as if this was some sort of joke “His name is Michael, silly”
Michael…My mind had refused to tell me how I had ended up sitting in that room, looking at the world through a veil. It had some how worked it out that this is what I had to do.
We reached the end at last and my father greeted, obviously proud of this decision. There was no embrace, maybe there was but I didn’t remember. Slowly the girls disappeared, one at a time and then my father’s arm were linked in mine. My frozen feet were torn from their ground as I walked down an unfortunately short isle.
I saw the image of Michael through my frosted eyes; he stood tall at the end, and his blonde hair the only feature I could make out. I thought his hair was black? He was suddenly taking my hand and words were mumbled from every direction. His hands were as cold as the stone I had glided down, I looked up, hoping to get an expression but I couldn’t see well enough through the foggy veil. Michael must have noticed because he lifted the veil over my eyes and I could see. His face lit up with a smile. But something struck me as wrong.
“If there is anyone that has a reason why this couple should not wed, speak now or-“
“I do” the words escaped my lips before I could fight them back.
“Its not time for that part yet” the priest whispered at me, Michael lifted an eyebrow.
“No, I mean… I do have a reason. Well I don’t…but I don’t have a reason why we should either.” The words had come to my rescue but the priest didn’t look satisfied with this answer. I assumed there was a disapproving crowed in front of me, friends and family coming to watch me seal my fate. But, I didn’t look. I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to look down to my father to see his hurt look. He had obviously approved the match.
The priest looked confused as to what to do next. Michael had not released my hands I looked up and his expression matched the priests. I didn’t want to hurt him but I couldn’t see how it would matter much, did I even know him? Yes. I did. I didn’t remember how I ended up with him. How I ended up here. How long have we been dating? What happened? I was irritated with myself, angry for the loss of memory.
A feather sat in his tux pocket, giving me a small amount of comfort. He caressed my hand, trying to calm me without words. I looked back down to my ring. I had agreed to this.
“Forgive me Michael” I stood on my toes and kissed his cheek then made my escape. I rain through the isle that seemed a lot longer then before and the doors opened. The scene disappeared into mist. I was soaking wet in the rain. But every drop was welcomed.
“Why?” I heard Micheael's voice behind me. Guilt hit me hard but I still had no memories of our relationship.
“Because I don’t love you”
If he was crying I wouldn’t be able to tell. The rain had picked up and was falling hard. He looked angry though. I had a sudden vision of familiarity; I was more comfortable with this. I welcomed the fear. He pulled out a weapon from his coat and I smiled.
“I loved you” He spat
“No you didn’t,” I said without any pang of emotion though he looked confused. I was glad to see he was handling it like a child, like someone I was glad I didn’t marry.
“Why?” he shouted
“Because.” I threw my flowers to the ground and gently felt his hand for the knife. “This is a dream”
I don’t remember the usual fight to the death, or running.
“That’s cliché,” I said taking the blade and throwing it into the void. Thinking of all the TV shows of the broken-hearted murdering the clumsy person that held there hearts so carelessly.
I decided since it was my dream I could make anything happen, but that was not the case, harder I tried to change things about the dream the closer I came to waking up. I continued to try to change things until my eyes fluttered open with the dream perfectly clear in my head for a change. I fell back asleep only to be met with an unfamiliar frustrating dream. Only I was unaware of the case…
A rustle of girls fell into the room wearing matching short dresses and carrying flowers, they put their arms around me and guided me from my sanctuary. The stone halls were cold on my bare feet and seemed to never end. For this I was thankful. The delicate fabric of my dress slide along the stone, reluctantly but loyally it dragged along with me. The bumbling and pushing of the girls around me put me off balance but there were so many arms surrounding me that I couldn’t fall even if I wanted to. And I wanted to. I turned to my closest sister.
“Where are we going?”
She laughed as If I was joking, but quickly swallowed her smirk and looked at me with wide eyes. I knew where we were going, but it was unclear who would be there. I knew the face in my head well but the name had slipped away with my own emotions.
“Who?” I asked as flowers were shoved into my shaking arms.
“Well…” She answered as if this was some sort of joke “His name is Michael, silly”
Michael…My mind had refused to tell me how I had ended up sitting in that room, looking at the world through a veil. It had some how worked it out that this is what I had to do.
We reached the end at last and my father greeted, obviously proud of this decision. There was no embrace, maybe there was but I didn’t remember. Slowly the girls disappeared, one at a time and then my father’s arm were linked in mine. My frozen feet were torn from their ground as I walked down an unfortunately short isle.
I saw the image of Michael through my frosted eyes; he stood tall at the end, and his blonde hair the only feature I could make out. I thought his hair was black? He was suddenly taking my hand and words were mumbled from every direction. His hands were as cold as the stone I had glided down, I looked up, hoping to get an expression but I couldn’t see well enough through the foggy veil. Michael must have noticed because he lifted the veil over my eyes and I could see. His face lit up with a smile. But something struck me as wrong.
“If there is anyone that has a reason why this couple should not wed, speak now or-“
“I do” the words escaped my lips before I could fight them back.
“Its not time for that part yet” the priest whispered at me, Michael lifted an eyebrow.
“No, I mean… I do have a reason. Well I don’t…but I don’t have a reason why we should either.” The words had come to my rescue but the priest didn’t look satisfied with this answer. I assumed there was a disapproving crowed in front of me, friends and family coming to watch me seal my fate. But, I didn’t look. I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to look down to my father to see his hurt look. He had obviously approved the match.
The priest looked confused as to what to do next. Michael had not released my hands I looked up and his expression matched the priests. I didn’t want to hurt him but I couldn’t see how it would matter much, did I even know him? Yes. I did. I didn’t remember how I ended up with him. How I ended up here. How long have we been dating? What happened? I was irritated with myself, angry for the loss of memory.
A feather sat in his tux pocket, giving me a small amount of comfort. He caressed my hand, trying to calm me without words. I looked back down to my ring. I had agreed to this.
“Forgive me Michael” I stood on my toes and kissed his cheek then made my escape. I rain through the isle that seemed a lot longer then before and the doors opened. The scene disappeared into mist. I was soaking wet in the rain. But every drop was welcomed.
“Why?” I heard Micheael's voice behind me. Guilt hit me hard but I still had no memories of our relationship.
“Because I don’t love you”
If he was crying I wouldn’t be able to tell. The rain had picked up and was falling hard. He looked angry though. I had a sudden vision of familiarity; I was more comfortable with this. I welcomed the fear. He pulled out a weapon from his coat and I smiled.
“I loved you” He spat
“No you didn’t,” I said without any pang of emotion though he looked confused. I was glad to see he was handling it like a child, like someone I was glad I didn’t marry.
“Why?” he shouted
“Because.” I threw my flowers to the ground and gently felt his hand for the knife. “This is a dream”
I don’t remember the usual fight to the death, or running.
“That’s cliché,” I said taking the blade and throwing it into the void. Thinking of all the TV shows of the broken-hearted murdering the clumsy person that held there hearts so carelessly.
I decided since it was my dream I could make anything happen, but that was not the case, harder I tried to change things about the dream the closer I came to waking up. I continued to try to change things until my eyes fluttered open with the dream perfectly clear in my head for a change. I fell back asleep only to be met with an unfamiliar frustrating dream. Only I was unaware of the case…
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Sketch
I'm doing it! i'm entering Sketch in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award Contest this year!
Wow...
i'm nervous.. =]
19 days to edit.
Wow...
i'm nervous.. =]
19 days to edit.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Bitter Taste
One bitter taste clandestine to the naive.
One bitter taste to trap the gullible.
One bitter taste to feed the proud.
One bitter taste to scar the weak.
One bitter taste to deceive the clever.
One bitter taste to weight the burden.
One bitter taste to shatter the broken.
One bitter taste to mock the worthless.
One bitter taste to engrave the future.
One bitter taste to jinx the cursed.
One bitter taste to mute the sweet.
One bitter after taste to poison the love.
One sweet aftermath to cure the above.
One bitter taste to trap the gullible.
One bitter taste to feed the proud.
One bitter taste to scar the weak.
One bitter taste to deceive the clever.
One bitter taste to weight the burden.
One bitter taste to shatter the broken.
One bitter taste to mock the worthless.
One bitter taste to engrave the future.
One bitter taste to jinx the cursed.
One bitter taste to mute the sweet.
One bitter after taste to poison the love.
One sweet aftermath to cure the above.
Trust me that your tacent tongue tells the tales
Of the despair
you wish I would wear.
You fabulist,
your false
fables
fail.
You kinchin
I kermerade,
“I care”
This candescent case of canter you create
There’s no
sanative,
we have to
sejugate
You matted the map we had made and
will miss
“Thank you for showing me what life really is”
Of the despair
you wish I would wear.
You fabulist,
your false
fables
fail.
You kinchin
I kermerade,
“I care”
This candescent case of canter you create
There’s no
sanative,
we have to
sejugate
You matted the map we had made and
will miss
“Thank you for showing me what life really is”
Divide
The Fragrance of your poison is sweet
Your heart is scattered
Divide.
Your fingers un-gloved by the helpless love
As your life unfolds to the mistreated
defeat
The doors miss your quiet escape
The silent street
Beauty doesn’t lie, your features are fake.
Moonlights own path covered your
fight
But my dear your still here
Vengeance is mine
The silent scream from your scattered he art did divide.
Your heart is scattered
Divide.
Your fingers un-gloved by the helpless love
As your life unfolds to the mistreated
defeat
The doors miss your quiet escape
The silent street
Beauty doesn’t lie, your features are fake.
Moonlights own path covered your
fight
But my dear your still here
Vengeance is mine
The silent scream from your scattered he art did divide.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Dear Superman
Dear Superman,
I miss you when your presence is absent because of your duty. However I sit here, awaiting your return. I am looking forward to seeing you when you fly through that door. The same proud smile you always wear after a days work, however I have noticed recently that the smile has been forced due to the so many tragic events you have been witnessing every day. You fly high, though you are incredibly weighted down…
You asked me to tie your cape, this I attempted without question. It’s something you could easily do yourself but I wanted to tie it as a symbol of support. It was so difficult to weave the fabric into a knot when I knew as soon as it was tightened, faster then a speeding bullet,
You would be gone…
But for the sacrafice of others around you, I cannot be selfish. So I pray your life is protected as you fly, I pray you are not gone long, I pray you return in the health you left, but I know there will never be a way to escape the tragedy and sins of this world.
I have something I must tell you. You are only one Man. Even you cannot be everyones hero, though you try. Your God given abilities were not given to save us all, that has already been done. Don’t lose your sight. It worries me to see you in such pain.
I Urge you, Turn to God. He will guide you in your heroics of your day. Your goal must be focused on fulfilling the purpose that God gives you each day, in His name.
Don’t let this world be your kryptonite.
Isaiah 40: 28-31:
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Soar like an eagle, love, Trust in Him and find your strength. Run and never tire.
With all my love,
Your Girl
Ps. Batman called, he said you stool robins tights…this has be concerned for a number of reasons, but we will talk about that when you get here…
I miss you when your presence is absent because of your duty. However I sit here, awaiting your return. I am looking forward to seeing you when you fly through that door. The same proud smile you always wear after a days work, however I have noticed recently that the smile has been forced due to the so many tragic events you have been witnessing every day. You fly high, though you are incredibly weighted down…
You asked me to tie your cape, this I attempted without question. It’s something you could easily do yourself but I wanted to tie it as a symbol of support. It was so difficult to weave the fabric into a knot when I knew as soon as it was tightened, faster then a speeding bullet,
You would be gone…
But for the sacrafice of others around you, I cannot be selfish. So I pray your life is protected as you fly, I pray you are not gone long, I pray you return in the health you left, but I know there will never be a way to escape the tragedy and sins of this world.
I have something I must tell you. You are only one Man. Even you cannot be everyones hero, though you try. Your God given abilities were not given to save us all, that has already been done. Don’t lose your sight. It worries me to see you in such pain.
I Urge you, Turn to God. He will guide you in your heroics of your day. Your goal must be focused on fulfilling the purpose that God gives you each day, in His name.
Don’t let this world be your kryptonite.
Isaiah 40: 28-31:
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Soar like an eagle, love, Trust in Him and find your strength. Run and never tire.
With all my love,
Your Girl
Ps. Batman called, he said you stool robins tights…this has be concerned for a number of reasons, but we will talk about that when you get here…
babble
It's been awhile since i posted anything. This wont be a piece of writing. just my thoughts and day. so keep reading if your interested, but don't expect anything organized.
I went apple picking today, but i use this term quietly because all the apples were gone and we ended up at the corn maze. It was a little like belvedeer plantation...like its little brother, or like alex put it "Its retarded cousin"
I left early and am about to leave to have dinner with my grandfather. He is probably my favorite person in the world =] and im excited. But i havent done school today and might be pulling a all nighter...i need to get organized...
I really need to clean my room...
I went apple picking today, but i use this term quietly because all the apples were gone and we ended up at the corn maze. It was a little like belvedeer plantation...like its little brother, or like alex put it "Its retarded cousin"
I left early and am about to leave to have dinner with my grandfather. He is probably my favorite person in the world =] and im excited. But i havent done school today and might be pulling a all nighter...i need to get organized...
I really need to clean my room...
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Cry for Escape (a life moment)
There are some situations you can't escape, places you want to leave and you cant for the sake of others.
Why is it we cry out for help so often? why do we feel bad for ourselves and ask for help when we really don't want it?
Being humans we run from our problems, the packed bag begging for attention, the eager feet waiting for their cue?
since i was nine i found myself at the front door with my hand pressed against the glass, plotting my escape.
I don't know what i would do if my call for help was answered, i just know i need it.
I don't know what i would do if i got my escape, i just know i need it.
Then the question appears as in fog as you breath on the glass,
"do you really need it? or should you be the one to do the rescuing?"
Do i need to be protected? or am i just like every other girl, begging to be saved from problems that just aren't important.
am i just a like every girl screaming inside for the knight to show up, but insists I'm fine and try to rescue myself?
Why do we mask these cries with a plead not to worry, and hope they'll not see through our own shield, and even worse, why do we fall asleep when our pleading works.
without the answers i refuse to be my own hero and walk back up the stairs, leaving the crime scene, with the knowledge that in a few moments I'll be the criminal who left my fingerprints on the door....
Why is it we cry out for help so often? why do we feel bad for ourselves and ask for help when we really don't want it?
Being humans we run from our problems, the packed bag begging for attention, the eager feet waiting for their cue?
since i was nine i found myself at the front door with my hand pressed against the glass, plotting my escape.
I don't know what i would do if my call for help was answered, i just know i need it.
I don't know what i would do if i got my escape, i just know i need it.
Then the question appears as in fog as you breath on the glass,
"do you really need it? or should you be the one to do the rescuing?"
Do i need to be protected? or am i just like every other girl, begging to be saved from problems that just aren't important.
am i just a like every girl screaming inside for the knight to show up, but insists I'm fine and try to rescue myself?
Why do we mask these cries with a plead not to worry, and hope they'll not see through our own shield, and even worse, why do we fall asleep when our pleading works.
without the answers i refuse to be my own hero and walk back up the stairs, leaving the crime scene, with the knowledge that in a few moments I'll be the criminal who left my fingerprints on the door....
Saturday, September 17, 2011
By the Red of his Cape she walks with wings
The wall that is gravity cut her seams
Ragged, The torn cape in the corner sings
Too far to hear the fabrics desperate screams
Waiting for her hero to make the rescue
Break through the chains keeping her from flight
However, He cant, she never flew.
He battles his own, to her ties she must fight.
His presence alone defeats her purpose
The feathers on her back would be worthless.
His cape is torn, he can’t leave the ground,
Her wings can’t stretch, they’re worn, they’re bound.
The wall that is gravity cut her seams
Ragged, The torn cape in the corner sings
Too far to hear the fabrics desperate screams
Waiting for her hero to make the rescue
Break through the chains keeping her from flight
However, He cant, she never flew.
He battles his own, to her ties she must fight.
His presence alone defeats her purpose
The feathers on her back would be worthless.
His cape is torn, he can’t leave the ground,
Her wings can’t stretch, they’re worn, they’re bound.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Fighting through Fiction
I battle myself so often on when i should work on my book and when i feel like hiding from it.
But i have decided to finish it.
i will be posting updates as i work. the title for it has been undecided for more then a year, i pray as i work God will inspire me with the name i should give it.
Tomorrow i will go to the library and pick up a book to help me organize it and i will begin working at least an hour a day to finish it as soon as possible.
i love these characters and the work that has been put in. and i LOVE working on it...i have just been stuck
but im fighting
and im going to break through
But i have decided to finish it.
i will be posting updates as i work. the title for it has been undecided for more then a year, i pray as i work God will inspire me with the name i should give it.
Tomorrow i will go to the library and pick up a book to help me organize it and i will begin working at least an hour a day to finish it as soon as possible.
i love these characters and the work that has been put in. and i LOVE working on it...i have just been stuck
but im fighting
and im going to break through
Monday, August 29, 2011
Loyalty, Betrayal and Deciet
Iv been stuck between two areas in my life. one area i submit to and its always pushed me down but taught me valuable lessons. I have learned loyalty, trust, and most of. i have learned the skill of deceit. i am an actress on the stage and off it. its something that was trained into me, i find myself slipping into one of my many characteristics for certain people. Unable to replace that. but most of all, iv learned the skill of loyalty when betrayed. and in that. iv become protective of the area that has been both loyal and lying.
The space in my life on the other side is a fight worth losing. A fight that wont give in and forces me to lose my mind. I try training this life but its trains me, it beats me down. It can tear me down with only a few words, its mind believes itself to be without fault. but everyone around it is a monster and a sinner, including me. my eyes can see deceit without evidents. i've seen every trick played, i know every loop hole and every door out. I know when there is something hidden. I can smell manipulation and back handed comments. and i know when there is a lie,because iv been trained to, because iv done and defended and protected. But i can't stop it. I have seen it. i have heard it but i must at times let it tear me down.
I wont face an area in my life at times.
To one i feel as though i have no choice but to submit to loyatly, for the other, i block out of my mind when i cannot handle. it believes it knows more then me,but it is nieve and proud, and i as hard as i try, i cannot warn what wont listen.
But truth is...
I love it
I love them so much <3
The space in my life on the other side is a fight worth losing. A fight that wont give in and forces me to lose my mind. I try training this life but its trains me, it beats me down. It can tear me down with only a few words, its mind believes itself to be without fault. but everyone around it is a monster and a sinner, including me. my eyes can see deceit without evidents. i've seen every trick played, i know every loop hole and every door out. I know when there is something hidden. I can smell manipulation and back handed comments. and i know when there is a lie,because iv been trained to, because iv done and defended and protected. But i can't stop it. I have seen it. i have heard it but i must at times let it tear me down.
I wont face an area in my life at times.
To one i feel as though i have no choice but to submit to loyatly, for the other, i block out of my mind when i cannot handle. it believes it knows more then me,but it is nieve and proud, and i as hard as i try, i cannot warn what wont listen.
But truth is...
I love it
I love them so much <3
Sunday, August 28, 2011
They are the Walking Dead, Next in Line to Lay in That Bed
The white paneled floor glides me through the florescent hallways that never seem to end. My heart beat gains speed with my feet as I turn another corner.
“This way!” my uncle cries as he dodges people, almost tripping over a young girl in a wheel chair. I try my best to keep his pace, running into people with balloons and an old lady. My brain feels numb, the only order it gives me is “follow your uncles footsteps” and I obey. I’m not sure but I think I hear an angry shout from a nurse “Slow down! No Running!” but it doesn’t matter. We’re here. My uncle runs into the small hospital room and embraces my weeping aunt. My heart drops, I know the feeling of da ja vu all to well. It sinks as I stare. All that’s left of my family is in this room. My little brother lay unconscious on the hospital bed, a gash in his head and his only arm in a cast.
I want to shout his name aloud, to prove I’m still strong enough to speak “Ryan!” I want to run up and sit by his side. But I find my brain won’t give me any more orders. My feet are frozen, pleading to become part of the cold tile floor. After what feels like hours my brain gives me one instruction “Deep breaths Nicole”. My uncle’s voice takes the place of my abandoned brain. I’m handed a small Styrofoam cup of tap water and told to sit. I don’t obey. I don’t drink. I watch my limp little brother, feeling almost as helpless as he is.
The precious life that is Ryan will turn out to be no more then a piece in the game. I don’t need to look over at the small hospital bedside table to know the kiss of death is awaiting my attention. But I do anyway. My eyes lock on the rose, and my stomach turns. I grip my mouth trying not to throw up. I feel the arms of my uncle grab me, its then I realized I went faint. “Nicole, we should get you home”
“No” I say to my guardians. I don’t want to leave Ryan. The hospital became no more the coffin my loved ones were brought to. The slaughterhouse that they sleep peacefully in before…No. I won’t leave. If he dares to touch Ryan he will have to go through me. The thought brings me to my knees again.
“Nicole!”
I don’t know why they try. I love them so much for taking care of my brother and I, but their no better off then he is. They are the walking dead. Next in line to lie in that bed, beside the single rose. They must know that. I want to scream at them for being so stupid. For sticking by me. I want them to get on a plane and leave. But I need them. I don’t want to be alone with this. My eyes break with tears as I fall weeping.
I don’t want to be alone with him.
The thought eats at me constantly. I know they will pay for my selfish need for their company with their lives. But without Ryan my purpose for living is gone. Will he risk that? In his sick game will he allow it to end or will he let me end it with my life?
He saved me twice from myself, and once from an accident. No, it won’t be that easy. My shaking hands lift myself off the floor and I take my seat by my little brothers bed, my eyes locked on the rose. I sit frozen, I wonder if I’m even breathing. my icy hands shake.
I sit in shock, waiting for the hunter to claim his kill.
“This way!” my uncle cries as he dodges people, almost tripping over a young girl in a wheel chair. I try my best to keep his pace, running into people with balloons and an old lady. My brain feels numb, the only order it gives me is “follow your uncles footsteps” and I obey. I’m not sure but I think I hear an angry shout from a nurse “Slow down! No Running!” but it doesn’t matter. We’re here. My uncle runs into the small hospital room and embraces my weeping aunt. My heart drops, I know the feeling of da ja vu all to well. It sinks as I stare. All that’s left of my family is in this room. My little brother lay unconscious on the hospital bed, a gash in his head and his only arm in a cast.
I want to shout his name aloud, to prove I’m still strong enough to speak “Ryan!” I want to run up and sit by his side. But I find my brain won’t give me any more orders. My feet are frozen, pleading to become part of the cold tile floor. After what feels like hours my brain gives me one instruction “Deep breaths Nicole”. My uncle’s voice takes the place of my abandoned brain. I’m handed a small Styrofoam cup of tap water and told to sit. I don’t obey. I don’t drink. I watch my limp little brother, feeling almost as helpless as he is.
The precious life that is Ryan will turn out to be no more then a piece in the game. I don’t need to look over at the small hospital bedside table to know the kiss of death is awaiting my attention. But I do anyway. My eyes lock on the rose, and my stomach turns. I grip my mouth trying not to throw up. I feel the arms of my uncle grab me, its then I realized I went faint. “Nicole, we should get you home”
“No” I say to my guardians. I don’t want to leave Ryan. The hospital became no more the coffin my loved ones were brought to. The slaughterhouse that they sleep peacefully in before…No. I won’t leave. If he dares to touch Ryan he will have to go through me. The thought brings me to my knees again.
“Nicole!”
I don’t know why they try. I love them so much for taking care of my brother and I, but their no better off then he is. They are the walking dead. Next in line to lie in that bed, beside the single rose. They must know that. I want to scream at them for being so stupid. For sticking by me. I want them to get on a plane and leave. But I need them. I don’t want to be alone with this. My eyes break with tears as I fall weeping.
I don’t want to be alone with him.
The thought eats at me constantly. I know they will pay for my selfish need for their company with their lives. But without Ryan my purpose for living is gone. Will he risk that? In his sick game will he allow it to end or will he let me end it with my life?
He saved me twice from myself, and once from an accident. No, it won’t be that easy. My shaking hands lift myself off the floor and I take my seat by my little brothers bed, my eyes locked on the rose. I sit frozen, I wonder if I’m even breathing. my icy hands shake.
I sit in shock, waiting for the hunter to claim his kill.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Playground. (A nightmear)
Who decides the rules that lay inside each dream? Who is the caretaker of the playground? Who calls the shots and rings the bells? Who plays the first move in the game I am thrown into every time my eyes shut?
These are questions going through my head as I walk down the long dirt path, lined with wooden cages. A man introduces me as Marie to the game. He guides me down the hall as barks and bowls ring in my left ear. The snarls are all part of the round. Were almost at the end of the path when he stops me.
“Run” he smiles at me as he pushes a button on the wall. The wood begins to shake as I bolt back down the way we came, the anxious snarls of the impatient wolves hit against the fence. They rise higher; I feel a snap at my ankle but keep running. I look around for weapons. I have nothing but a large key in my pocket. The wolves are out and they chase me. I lose most of them but one is on my tale as I turn the corner; into a room that resembles something of a barn. I turn to face the wolf “Marie” it whispers, ready to pounce. I clench the key in my hand. I hear the bell of round one and my heart stops. I have to kill one and then move on.
The wolf jumps as I roll; it lands on its back. I lung at with my key, jumping on it. “Where is your heart?!” I scream already knowing its placement. I lung the key into its chest, but miss its heart. Suddenly the room changes along with the beast, it grows smaller and loses it monstrous features. I’m sitting with my youngest sisters blood all over my hands. She gasps for air. The reality that she won’t live hits me hard. But I missed her heart and now she will die slowly. I want to pick her up and run, but the rules of the game are indented into my head. They wont let me make a move that is not permitted. I work against my will as I lift the key again. My entire body is begging to not do this but I plunge the key into her heart and she goes still.
Snarls approach the corner of the room, I’m already on my feet, not daring to take the key with me, or even look at my sister. What was next? Would I have to fight each of these beasts only to discover they are my loved ones? Would I kill each of my sisters followed by people I care about?
I run. I’m chased. I hear the bell ring again as I approach a dead end. I’m expected to try and kill this one as well. To reveal who it is that’s hunting me. I face the predator and I know the eyes, the dark fur. It growls at me as I back up against the wall. I won’t fight. There is a knife that appears at my feet.
No.
I dodge around the large beast, only getting my arm slit in process, darting for the door. The man that walked me down the hall stops me
“This is not how we play.” He pushes me back towards the wolf. And throws me a weapon of some sorts. I ponder lunging into his chest. He smiles, reading my mind. I try dodging around him but he grabs me again. This is a level I wont get by without a fight. “Do you want to be disqualified?” He spits at me.
“Yes!” I plead. He takes the weapon from my hand. “Fine, you lose” he walks away as the door shuts and I’m left with the monster.
My mind follows the man, holding the blade as he walks away from the locked door. The echo of snarls spreads a smile across his face. He taps along the cages of the wolves that wont get to play and the screams behind him stop.
These are questions going through my head as I walk down the long dirt path, lined with wooden cages. A man introduces me as Marie to the game. He guides me down the hall as barks and bowls ring in my left ear. The snarls are all part of the round. Were almost at the end of the path when he stops me.
“Run” he smiles at me as he pushes a button on the wall. The wood begins to shake as I bolt back down the way we came, the anxious snarls of the impatient wolves hit against the fence. They rise higher; I feel a snap at my ankle but keep running. I look around for weapons. I have nothing but a large key in my pocket. The wolves are out and they chase me. I lose most of them but one is on my tale as I turn the corner; into a room that resembles something of a barn. I turn to face the wolf “Marie” it whispers, ready to pounce. I clench the key in my hand. I hear the bell of round one and my heart stops. I have to kill one and then move on.
The wolf jumps as I roll; it lands on its back. I lung at with my key, jumping on it. “Where is your heart?!” I scream already knowing its placement. I lung the key into its chest, but miss its heart. Suddenly the room changes along with the beast, it grows smaller and loses it monstrous features. I’m sitting with my youngest sisters blood all over my hands. She gasps for air. The reality that she won’t live hits me hard. But I missed her heart and now she will die slowly. I want to pick her up and run, but the rules of the game are indented into my head. They wont let me make a move that is not permitted. I work against my will as I lift the key again. My entire body is begging to not do this but I plunge the key into her heart and she goes still.
Snarls approach the corner of the room, I’m already on my feet, not daring to take the key with me, or even look at my sister. What was next? Would I have to fight each of these beasts only to discover they are my loved ones? Would I kill each of my sisters followed by people I care about?
I run. I’m chased. I hear the bell ring again as I approach a dead end. I’m expected to try and kill this one as well. To reveal who it is that’s hunting me. I face the predator and I know the eyes, the dark fur. It growls at me as I back up against the wall. I won’t fight. There is a knife that appears at my feet.
No.
I dodge around the large beast, only getting my arm slit in process, darting for the door. The man that walked me down the hall stops me
“This is not how we play.” He pushes me back towards the wolf. And throws me a weapon of some sorts. I ponder lunging into his chest. He smiles, reading my mind. I try dodging around him but he grabs me again. This is a level I wont get by without a fight. “Do you want to be disqualified?” He spits at me.
“Yes!” I plead. He takes the weapon from my hand. “Fine, you lose” he walks away as the door shuts and I’m left with the monster.
My mind follows the man, holding the blade as he walks away from the locked door. The echo of snarls spreads a smile across his face. He taps along the cages of the wolves that wont get to play and the screams behind him stop.
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